Why do performance conversations go wrong before they've even started?
If you've come here looking for a script for performance conversations, I'm going to disappoint you. I get asked for one a lot. “Can't we just have the right words to say?” I understand why, I really do but I don't think a script is what's missing. What helps far more is understanding why these conversations go well, why they don't, and what you can do differently next time.
I ran a session on Honest Performance Conversations with Ali Grady from The Thrive Team earlier in the year, and we started with a quick poll. Where do performance conversations most often go wrong? Before the conversation even starts, during it, afterwards when nothing changes, or do they rarely happen at all?
77% said before the conversation even starts. Nobody picked during the conversation itself. Isn't that interesting? Getting started seems to be the hardest part.
The second poll asked about people's biggest challenge right now. The top answer was that people lack the skills and awareness for honest conversations. That’s not as bad as it sounds, because skills and awareness can be built. Just under a third said people get too defensive, which is something I'm hearing more and more these days so we need to be better prepared for it.
Whether you're the manager having these conversations, the senior leader who keeps finding the problems back on your desk, or the HR lead picking up the pieces when something escalates, there's a lot you can do before anyone sits down to talk.
Preparing for a performance conversation
Most of us arrive at a performance conversation carrying quite a lot. Assumptions about what the other person thinks. Frustrations, quite possibly on both sides. Labels and history, either between the two of you or from how performance has been handled in the past. Very often there's a solution too, already decided before we've heard a word from each other.
I find a simple model from cognitive behavioural therapy helps here. It starts with the facts: what's happened with the performance. Then there's the story you tell yourself about those facts. That story shapes how you feel, and how you feel shapes how you behave in the conversation.
If your story is "they just don't care", you'll walk in frustrated, and it'll show in what you say and how you say it. If the story is "they're new and nobody's shown them what good looks like", it's a very different conversation, even though the facts haven't changed at all.
I'm not saying ignore the frustration. It might be completely valid. Notice it and ask yourself whether the story you're telling is helping. Those thoughts and feelings happen fast, mostly without us realising, so a few minutes of reflection beforehand makes a real difference to what happens next.
What needs to be in place first
If most of the problems start before the conversation, it's worth looking at what's already in place. People need to feel safe to speak up, whatever their role. There needs to be trust on both sides, and that's built or chipped away in every conversation long before the performance one comes along. It helps to recognise and manage emotions, yours and theirs. It also helps to listen more than you talk. That sounds a bit counterintuitive, but it makes everything you say more helpful.
I'll be honest, it's a bit of a red flag for me when a team tells me "we get on really well, we're just like a family". Lovely. Can you challenge each other without falling out? If not, the honest conversations probably aren't happening. Most people want to know the truth about their performance. They wouldn't want you thinking they're rubbish but keeping that to yourself.
If you'd like to read more, the conditions we need to create are covered in the first part of my STREETCREDS framework, and my blog Make it safe to speak up looks at what helps people feel able to be honest.
Starting without defensiveness
We decide very quickly, often in a split second, whether a conversation feels safe. Some openings set alarm bells ringing straight away:
- "We have a problem."
- "I need to talk about your performance."
- "I have some feedback for you."
None of them is wrong, exactly. However, depending on your tone and the context, they can put someone on the defensive before you've even got going. Compare them with:
- "There's something I've observed and I'd like to explore it with you."
- "Let's talk about how things are going."
- "I'd like to share something I've noticed and hear your perspective."
This isn't about diluting the message or sugar-coating it. You're still being clear, and you'll still be specific about what you've seen. You're signalling that you want to talk it through together, and people are far more likely to own something they've helped to work out. Use your own words, of course. Those are just mine.
Before you start, it's worth thinking about three Ps:
Purpose. Why are we having this conversation, and have I made that clear?
Partnership. This is something we'll explore together. Get them engaged early.
Positive intent. The goal is better performance and supporting the person. Blame and shame shouldn’t come into it.
Staying curious for longer
We're all busy, and most of us have a fair idea of what needs to happen. The temptation is to jump straight to the fix so I'd encourage you to stay curious for a bit longer.
Try a 70:30 split. Spend 70% of the conversation exploring and understanding the issue from both sides, and 30% agreeing what happens next. You still need the actions, otherwise there's no point having the conversation in the first place.
Coaching questions help far more than telling. A few to try:
- What do you think is happening?
- What obstacles are you facing?
- What am I missing?
- What support would help you?
"What am I missing?" is a particularly good one if you're the manager or the HR person in the room. It also keeps you well away from that ‘telling-off’, parental tone that puts people’s backs up.
Ending with clarity
This one sounds obvious, I know. In practice it often doesn't happen, because we run out of time or we just want to get the whole thing over with. Every performance conversation should end with three agreements:
- What will happen?
- Who will do it?
- When will we review it?
Simple. Powerful. Honest. It keeps people feeling safe too, because they know where they stand.
A short follow-up in writing/email can help as well. At the moment it all feels clear, and the next day can you both accurately remember what was agreed? After that, it’s down to you both to do what you said you’d do (Do what you say you'll do has more on that).
How do you know it went well?
After your next performance conversation, do a quick health check and ask yourself four questions:
- Do they understand the issue?
- Did they engage with it, and with me?
- Are they clear on what happens next?
- Does the relationship still feel intact?
If you can tick all four, you've probably had a good, honest performance conversation. In my experience it's sometimes the last one that goes wrong. The person understands the issue, but the relationship has taken a knock along the way. Get the balance right and you get the results you need while keeping a good working relationship, which is what we're all after.
None of this is revolutionary. Do it consistently, though, and it builds trust and credibility over time, and the next conversation gets that bit easier.
I'll leave you with the question I asked at the end of the session. Think about your next performance conversation. What's one thing you'll do differently before, during or after it?
If you'd like to hear the whole session with Ali, you'll find the recording on my Savvy Spotlight page.
If your managers are finding these conversations hard, or the problems keep ending up with you when they don't happen, I'd love to help. Have a look at how I work with managers and leaders, or get in touch for a chat.
Hi, I’m Sarah Harvey, Leadership, Teams and Conversations Specialist. I help leaders and teams have the right conversations, in the right way, at the right time, so they get great results and maintain positive relationships. Drawing on over 30 years in workplace communication, culture and conflict, and my MSc in Organisational Psychology, including research into how leaders build trust through everyday conversations, I work with senior leaders and people teams across the private, public and third sectors.
FAQs
How do you start a performance conversation with an employee?
Make it two-way from the very start. Openers like "There's something I've noticed and I'd like to explore it with you" are clear, but they're far less likely to put someone on the defensive than "We have a problem". Be clear on why you're there, and make it obvious you want to work it through together.
What do you do when an employee gets defensive about feedback?
Defensiveness is usually the threat response kicking in, so pushing on with your message rarely helps. Be brave enough to name what you're seeing: "I'm noticing this feels difficult. Is that right? Can we explore it together?" Asking questions and staying curious will get you much further than repeating the point.
How can I help managers who avoid difficult conversations?
Start by finding out why they're avoiding them. It's often a worry that it'll escalate, break the relationship, or knock the team's morale. The thing is, leaving performance issues alone hurts morale too. The good news is that skills and awareness can be built, and regular check-ins mean the bigger conversations don't feel like such a big deal when they come.