Should leaders show vulnerability? Perhaps, but it’s not that simple

“Show your vulnerability.”

This seems to be the current advice being given to leaders. It's become one of those pieces of leadership teaching that gets repeated so often nobody stops to really consider what it means. Of course, there’s something in it but, as is usually the case, it’s not quite as simple as it sounds.

Last year I researched how leaders build trust through their everyday conversations, and I interviewed senior leaders across a number of sectors. The topic of vulnerability came up in most of those conversations, although the detail was a bit more nuanced than the typical online advice you tend to see. The leaders who earned the most trust weren't necessarily the ones who shared the most about themselves. They were the ones who recognised how much to share, and when to share it.

This is calibrated vulnerability. It’s sharing enough of yourself to build a real human connection, without tipping into sharing so much vulnerability that people start to lose confidence in you. Think of it rather like a dial that you can turn up or down, rather than a switch that's either on or off.

Before I go into more detail, it’s worth starting with why the advice to show vulnerability is out there in the first place. It does have validity.

Someone in a leadership position who never lets anyone see behind the curtain is a hard person to trust. If you're endlessly certain and never seem rattled by anything, people struggle to find the human being beneath that tough exterior. If people can't read you, or don’t know what makes you tick, they tend to play it safe around you. Admitting that you don't have all the answers all of the time, or that a decision was a tough one to make, does the opposite. It’s authentic and it tells people you're being honest with them, and in turn this gives everyone else permission to do the same.

This is something that came up multiple times through my research. The leaders people trusted the most were the ones who could say “I don't know” without it undermining their credibility or damaging their relationships.

There's a big difference between a leader saying “I found that decision hard to make” and “honestly, I've got no idea what I'm doing and I'm terrified.” The first brings people closer. The second shares your stresses and worries, at the very moment they’re looking for steadiness and strong leadership.

Your team doesn't need you to be superhuman. They need to feel that, whatever's going on, you can hold it together. There's a kind of openness that reassures people you're human and still a steady influence. Vulnerability that leaves everyone wondering if they’re in safe hands is not helpful to them and it’s not helpful to you either.

Timing is also important. Uncalibrated vulnerability from a leader during a crisis is almost certainly not the moment to overshare your self-doubts. Save that for later, or talk it through with a trusted peer or coach, don’t offload on the people who're looking to you to get them through tricky times.

Unfortunately there's no formula I can give you for this, but asking yourself a few honest questions can help you feel your way towards it.

The first is simple enough. Who is this for? Am I sharing about what’s going on for me in order to help the people in front of me, or because I'll feel better for having said it? There's nothing wrong with the second, but it’s worth making a conscious decision about what to share and what not to share in order to ensure you’re not inadvertently undermining your leadership credibility.

The second question is about them, not you. What do people need from me right now? Sometimes it will be honesty and at other times it might be a steady, authentic presence. Usually it's both. The skill is learning to read how much is appropriate in the moment.

The third question is really key. Is sharing likely to help people trust me, or will it cause them to doubt that I can be trusted in this situation? Something like “it's been a tough week, but we'll get through it” tells people the truth, shows them you’ve found it tough too, but it also offers reassurance.

Calibrated vulnerability isn’t really about how much you reveal about yourself. It's revealing the right thing, in the right context, at the right time. Just as trust is built through having the right conversation, in the right way, at the right time.

If the idea of showing “vulnerability” makes you shudder, you're in good company. Many leaders are taught to not show vulnerability, to be strong, to show no weakness in case it’s exploited. No one wants to look weak. In contrast, what I found was calibrated vulnerability does the opposite; it demonstrates you’re being your authentic self and that helps not stops people trusting you. It's using your judgement to let people see enough of you to trust in you, whilst having the self-control not to lay yourself bare.

How you show up is one of those everyday things that decide whether a team trusts you to lead them or not. The leadership shadow you cast is another example that I also wrote about recently. If you’d like a more structured way to self-reflect, there are some useful questions at the back of my Building Trust White Paper. Download it free here.

If calibrated vulnerability is something you'd like to explore with your leaders or your team, do get in touch.